Keeping Christmas Safe for All
The Top Ten Bannable Christmas Carols
Keeping Christmas safe for all: satire
We all love holiday music. Some people love it so much they start playing it in October, which of course makes them sociopaths. However, there are some Christmas songs that just should not be part of a woke society. I get it, our ancestors were insensitive and clueless. And you know, okay boomers, including Bing Crosby. Oh wait, he was the silent generation or something. Point is, I have assembled a list of songs that should be banned this year. If you are a person of any value and conscience, you’ll agree.
10. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas:
Don’t tell me how to feel. Seriously. If I want to have a Merry Christmas, I will. If I don’t it’s none of your stinking business, mkay? You are not the boss of me or my feelings. How dare you be so invalidating and glib. My feelings are mine. Ever heard of empathy, bub??
9. Jolly Old St. Nicholas:
We don’t really know how North Pole Magic works, but the assumption that Santa is old is ageism at its finest. Why does age matter? Why he hafta be old?? And what’s with the whole “lean your ear this way” line? Just because someone may be in the latter half-century of life doesn’t mean he’s deaf. What? Was that an apology — speak up, I can’t hear you!
8. Santa Clause Is Coming to Town:
Children are autonomous beings. They can decide for themselves how they want to behave and when they want to go to bed and whether or not to brush their teeth. To hold Santa’s impending arrival over their heads to manipulate decent human behavior is just plain extortion. You have no right to make their choices for them, you know, about whether or not to wear a seatbelt, eat that sweet-smelling liquid under the sink, or cross a busy street. Oh wait, maybe there are things children aren’t old enough to decide…BUT ANYWAY, don’t use Santa to extort them!
7. Little Drummer Boy:
This song triggers me. I am about to share an individual anecdote meant to either sway you or imply you have no feelings. I wanted to play the drums when I decided to join the school band. I played the flute instead. My mom didn’t think playing the drums was ladylike. Who says it has to be a drummer boy? Why are the only people mentioned visiting Jesus men? Couldn’t there be a drummer girl? PATRIARCHY!
6. Winter Wonderland:
This one is insidious in the way it draws you in with promises of sleigh bells ringing and children playing. But listen carefully, and you’ll hear it. The glorification of the oppressive institution of marriage. They build a snowman, and he comes to life as a parson. Never mind the fact that him being a religious figure is offensive. He asks the couple if they are married, then insists on performing a ceremony. As if marriage is a foregone conclusion. This should insult everyone, from those who hate the word submit to the MGTOW crowd who have found the comfort of blaming women for their dysfunction. There’s enough triggering in this one to reduce the entire population to jello. Seriously, just stop the madness.
5. White Christmas:
Well, DUH…not touching this one with a ten-foot Festivus pole!
4. Happy Holidays
This one is just dripping with PC snowflake ideology. I mean, everyone knows that the only holiday ever celebrated in December is the springtime birth of the baby Jesus, right? And if you, a friendly WalMart cashier trying to feed her family say “Happy Holidays” to me as I pay for my Operation Christmas Child items, I’ll tear you a new one in the name of the Lord. Get thee behind me, lefty! And don’t forget Jesus loves you, you jerk!
3. Joy to the World:
The Constitution guarantees the right to separation of church and, well, everything. Oh wait, you mean that isn’t in the Constitution? Know it all! My point still stands. I don’t want to hear about the birth of some lord I don’t even believe in, much less feel joy about it. Do I have to say it again: stop freaking telling me how to feel! And keep your magic sky fairy and his kid where the sun don’t shine. Peace, bro.
2. We Three Kings:
Let me unpack this one. First of all, why were only the elite allowed to travel to see Jesus? Way to elevate the 1% yet again. And who made these guys kings anyway? Some watery tart lobbing a scimitar? It certainly wasn’t democracy! And spare me the bit about the shepherds. We all know they were only there because they happened to be nearby. PR tokens, that’s what they were. Oh, and can somebody resurrect the guy who wrote these lyrics and tell him “orient” is not the appropriate word here? I literally can’t even.
1. Christmas Shoes:
This one seems sweet, and that’s the problem. It draws you in with its simple story, and then it subjects you to all manner of emotional trauma and deadly blood sugar spikes. I’m supposed to be enjoying my eggnog and secret company party makeout session over here, and you’re gonna toss in some kind of complete psychological wreckage about a little girl trying to buy shoes for her dying mother? And that drawl. Oh lordy, help us all. Please put this song out of its universal misery.
Please distribute this list as widely as possible so we can stamp out these passe tunes of a lesser time. By the way, this call to action is obviously as satirical as the article, for those in the back 😉
If you enjoy sarcasm and humor, and you don’t want to punch the author in the face right now, you might enjoy these other pieces by Laurie Nave, the writer, musician, instructional designer, wife, and mom whose inner turmoil causes bursts of laughter and ranting.