Surviving the newest batch of Hallmark holiday movies
Winter is coming…
And with it, the sickly sweet horror that befalls us all during the months of November and December. Like the yearly dying of the trees’ leaves from inside out while the sun hides from the cold a little more each evening, the icy claw of schmaltz and sugar cookies curls around the television set, insidiously spiking the glucose levels of diabetics all over the country.
Yes…..the Hallmark Channel Movie Season is upon us.
But fear not! It is possible to survive this saccharine-filled nightmare fortnight of limerence and cheese with a a few tools and tricks. If you are prepared, you can escape from the endless recycling of plot devices and romance tropes with minimum injury to life and limb.
- Learn to Recognize the Signs of a Hallmark Holiday Movie. If two impossibly good looking characters take an immediate disliking to one another, beware. This holds especially true if one of them recently moved back to their unusually small and idyllic town. And if there is an antagonist bent on buying up all the Christmas shops (where, coincidentally, the word shop is spelled “shoppe”), back away from the television slowly, take the remote carefully, and press the “previous” button. it doesn’t matter if the previous channel was on WWE Wrestling Legends of the 1980s marathon. It is your only escape — use it!
- Learn to Recognize the Sounds of a Hallmark Holiday Movie. This will include songs with sleigh bells as an integral part of the percussion section, as well as any country/pop slow tune that talks about Broken Roads or Unanswered Prayers. Be especially wary of the tune, “Christmas Shoes,” as this music will attempt to reduce you to a sniveling ball of snot and tears while simultaneously rolling your eyes. Serious dehydration and ocular injury could result.
- Learn to Recognize the Smells of a Hallmark Holiday Movie. This is the most sinister of all the signs because it is often not recognized until you are trapped at the home of a friend or family member. If you smell spiced cider, hot chocolate, or cookies on a random Tuesday night “for no reason,” you have likely been led into a Hallmark Movie Night nightmare, much like the fly is led by the spider into certain tortured death. The only escape from this destruction is not to enter. if your host is wearing a shirt or apron bearing the insignia below, you have been chosen by the Hallmark cult to be their ritual sacrifice over snickerdoodles and peppermint coffee. Do. Not. Enter.
4. Learn to Recognize the Feels of a Hallmark Holiday Movie. If you are watching a movie that causes you to suddenly feel inordinately good, especially if there is snow, a small town doctor or veterinarian, and a villain attempting to ruin Christmas or tear down a quaint inn, you may be an unwitting victim. If you find yourself rooting for the “unlikely couple” as strange liquid begins to leak from your eyes, turn off the television. Immediately. Instead, scroll to your Iron Maiden Spotify playlist as an antidote. If applied early enough, you may survive.
Stay vigilant, my friends. Keep these 4 warnings in mind, and may the odds and the eggnog be every on your favor.